Sunday, June 25, 2006
Whispering unconsciously
without sinking butterflies
always ephemeral
never to be grasped
I drank coffee protruding
everything I know that is
bliss shorter than impossible
flying freely in hatred
Sense a map of my vision
I tried to keep my faith
solving purple puzzles
I can never complete
Whispering to me with
deliverance I cannot
achieve alone needing
bliss, always absurd
Turning off the light where
the glow of darkness marks
the end.
I might fail...
It seems odd why people have to be depressed. Maybe because of the reason that we couldn't have some things that makes us materialists. Mistake makes us whole but we never wanted it. I feel depressed a lot lately - I don't know - about school, about not being able to follow my mpassion, about being alone, about not being so free, about my stupid self. Well, about everything I could think of. I wish I could change it and be new but I keep on thinking that I would never love me when I became new. I have fears of being different yet I want to change some things. The perfect answer would be a stronger me, not a new me. How odd that I knew the answer but I'm still confused on how to move. I can't go out and it's making me depressed. I feel empty.
I guess I'll try to eat coffee.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I was thinking of staying in school and just wait for the party to start there as I bring my clothes but it was so stupid of me to forget my ticket! The ticket that was inserted in the sheets of my notebook without the intention of leaving it because I have loads of things to bring so I still have to go home and get my ticket. Good thing my friend Joan went home too so I have company.
I felt bad thinking that I've worn white pants and the fact that every place were filled with mud and water. It was pure stupidity, lol. The frosh night was quite fun but then the guests were really unknown to me, seriously. Then nothing really important happened we just danced there with the music, more like a disco house. Well, I just went there for my OrDev class anyway.
I have loads of things to do and it was making me worry that I can't do anything first because I was still thinking of what to do first, lol. We even have a brochure project in our NatSci class and the bad thing was I don't know how to use adobe photoshop so that the brochure would be attractive. Well, my feet and knee are swelling and I'm still a bit tired. Nonsense.
I find the picture scary but at the same time funny. Psychologically and philosophically, it's our hidden despairs that are permanent and never to leave us until we achieve what we call bliss, which is really impossible. Ironically, the picture portray bastards around the world. By the way, I was excited to know that I don't have to find Fully Booked in Greenhills - I barely know that place - as it's already in Mall of Asia. I saw it with Joan when we went there last thursday. God, I was so-so excited, the heaven of english-translated mangas. The scary thing that makes me annoyed is that I'm broke, lol. I'm planning to get a discount card there later, a discount card in Power Books won't hurt either though Power Books barely have mangas that I like and sometimes they don't have mangas - in certain outlets. Comic Alley stupidly presents mangas in Chinese and just to point, we are living in a place that don't understand those characters.
I felt bad thinking that I've worn white pants and the fact that every place were filled with mud and water. It was pure stupidity, lol. The frosh night was quite fun but then the guests were really unknown to me, seriously. Then nothing really important happened we just danced there with the music, more like a disco house. Well, I just went there for my OrDev class anyway.
I have loads of things to do and it was making me worry that I can't do anything first because I was still thinking of what to do first, lol. We even have a brochure project in our NatSci class and the bad thing was I don't know how to use adobe photoshop so that the brochure would be attractive. Well, my feet and knee are swelling and I'm still a bit tired. Nonsense.
I find the picture scary but at the same time funny. Psychologically and philosophically, it's our hidden despairs that are permanent and never to leave us until we achieve what we call bliss, which is really impossible. Ironically, the picture portray bastards around the world. By the way, I was excited to know that I don't have to find Fully Booked in Greenhills - I barely know that place - as it's already in Mall of Asia. I saw it with Joan when we went there last thursday. God, I was so-so excited, the heaven of english-translated mangas. The scary thing that makes me annoyed is that I'm broke, lol. I'm planning to get a discount card there later, a discount card in Power Books won't hurt either though Power Books barely have mangas that I like and sometimes they don't have mangas - in certain outlets. Comic Alley stupidly presents mangas in Chinese and just to point, we are living in a place that don't understand those characters.
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Yesterday was our recollection day. No classes but only to reflect inside the contemplation room. It was fun, I did feel happy and did understand some of Brother Gene's lectures about life and finding your purpose, though I don't feel a bit passionate. You know, I'm depressed to think that I'm losing my passion just because of my irony and philosophy in life - it's hard. Well, as most of us did, I didn't play around because I was eager to learn more about my spiritual needs. It's not that I lack... or maybe I do but it's bothering me because whenever the facilitator would tell us something about God's grace, my philosophical side was arguing and I was hating it. Soon I eliminated all my philosophical side and found myself acting nonsense and clumsier. But it's fine, I still feel so confused but the recollection was fine, I did realize some 'unknown' things.
This morning, I saw my highschool best friend Carmela. We were riding in the same jeepney so we had a little talk. She was studying in UST taking AB-Political Science and she was wearing a uniform. Too bad for her she didn't also like it - good thing my school's not expecting us to wear uniforms. We were talking and talking about our classes and she said she had a Philosophy class that made me so envious because I don't have a Philosophy subject. By the way, I found out that Philosophy is my passion and when I finish my course, I'll study it and I'm sure of it. I was still talking when my mom said we had to go because the LRT station was near, so we bid our good byes.
Classes were back from the independence day and recollection day break as if I haven't been studying for millions of years and it was tiring but I feel so fine. I finally realized my crush for that irregular classmate was washed away by an unknown wave so I don't feel so self-conscious anymore when NatSci class arrives.
After class, my friend Joan and I went to SM San Lazaro because she asked me if I could accompany her to the LRT line 2 as she needs to get something from her uncle there. We went there only to eat and laugh out loud on some things. Then 'beep,' my ID was beeping again and the guard was sort of annoyed and not jovial so I didn't even dare to talk to him and just walked away without explaining because he didn't even suspected me and he was a 'guard'. I went back at my school tired as I still have to wait for my sister and mom at the main.
I already had a fanfiction account and probably I would put a link in my unpolished plugs section and hopefully this blog will help me collect readers. By the way, I still haven't posted anything yet, I was waiting for their anti-spam thing but I know I already have millions of ideas inside my mind to write. This has been another nonsense thing inside my blog. God, I'm feeling so tired. So fragile.
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Whenever I go to school, I always think of it as a daily routine already, waking up early because my classes usually start at 7 AM, being a bit sleepy with some next subjects though I could still understand them, then eating anywhere I want to, having classes again and leaving the room where I'm stuck to wait for my sister because I don't want to go home alone. God, I'm afraid of commuting alone. By the way, I have seven subjects. School's doing good.
I quite like to join a lot of organizations. I'll try choir, writer's guild, community service, photography and of course, COD, which is the most required organization I have to join. They said we should join a lot of organizations, anyway.
I had a secret crush on this irregular classmate in one of my classes. My professor asked where is he from and he said he was from UST (Tourism) and had just transferred at my university for some reasons he didn't bother to explain so maybe he's an upper-class now, thinking of the credits he achieved from his former subjects. God, probably some will know it by now. But whatever, he's my current crush.
I had my daily routine every after class because, again, I still have to wait for my sister. I'll probably be in the Inook or in the Library. At least, I could surf the net and/or study in a quiet place. And I'm not really bored, since some of my friends don't want to go home early either so I have companions.
My sister isn't updating her blog. I'm going to write a fanfiction with lots of conflicts - you'll get confused - but I'll still try. College is not that bad at all.
Nothing makes any sense.
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
