Thursday, August 31, 2006
'If you know you're nonsense, go away.' I wanted to throw the negative feeling all the way. I don't want to protest in respect yet the monster makes itself worse and worse and I'm not talking about my shadow; I'm talking about the monster. How will I learn to relent? Forgiveness is accepted slowly if you've been stabbed deeper over your heart, but, day by day, the monster evolves. So how am I suppose to know on how to see a positive perspective on that? Bullshit.
In my mind, sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person I've ever seen, not having the strength to mature and find an answer. I feel like a troll, overall useless and heartless. I don't want my present. Why do I have to have this kind of burden? Would I prefer to live in hell than have this being? I guess I would assert with this deal. I think I inhibited a place wherein my sensibility feels more than hell after all. I still want to evolve so I'm still not insane to end my perceptions, but I want to move, I just can't, I need more motivation, and it's because I'm afraid of the outcome. Well, I'm not really that much afraid of the effect, I'm more afraid of what and how fate will possibly end the bind.
I might release my openness when the right feeling of power comes. I don't know, maybe tomorrow, next week, or next year. The thing, the scenery itself, is unimaginable. I don't know what the solution will be and that make is unpredictably dangerous. It's not actually a about taking risks, it's about the motivation to step on the next fireplace. I don't know how to react on that; I'm still undecided.
I don't know where the hell would I be able to hold on. I am still claiming my beliefs. I know how to trust, but I can't carry the stone anymore, it's making me feel even more stupid and unmoving. It's taking me to my death, a slow and painful one.
So tell me, how would I untangle myself from this? Should I wish to kill my consciousness in a silent riot? How am I suppose to feel happiness and freedom? I know the answer is in me. Yet, I believe, no matter that happens the wound will never be a scar. Either for my soul or for my experience. I'm still hoping for it to end.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
I'm having a nothingness state because this one week vacation, I'll have nothing to do but to be online and daydream at home. Movies and some good-read-fanfiction or any good-read-books would do, but bingo, I have no money left in my pocket. So the only option is to read, but I like that more. You know what, I tried to read Being and Nothingness by Sartre, but what did I get? The first line confused me and pushed me into the knowledge that I'm still a perfect amature when it comes to logic. So I aim to read more.
So I finished my finals today. Next, the course card distribution days on Friday and Saturday. I hope I become a Dean's Lister, what a dream. I'm in a laidback mode so no drama. I only wish I could start in a new field.
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
Monday, August 28, 2006
It's my birthday today and I'm 16 years old now. I don't know why, but I don't like me getting old even if it's just another one year of age. What a dreadful life.
Well, I don't like vacations. I prefer to be in school. It's because I usually wait for my sister and my mom before going home that I stay there up to 6:00 PM. And that reason made my school a constant scenery. It's like the feeling of oddness if you're not there in a long time. It's a void I'm not addicted yet, but I like it more than to be at home. At least, in school, it's making me feel that it's not my only world as I could go in different places and smile and I don't feel caged or isolated. I just hate it when I have to commute alone, I'm a bit afraid. When I tried, I lost my phone (recently) and the month was a complete bad luck month for me. It's like riding an elevator with the suspicion to the ride not stopping anymore. The ride continues to play safe making you stable at a very young time. More like eating bubble gums, but even though I could feel changes everyday, there are still constant agonies that I couldn't solve because I don't want to do the only solutions.
Well, I don't like vacations. I prefer to be in school. It's because I usually wait for my sister and my mom before going home that I stay there up to 6:00 PM. And that reason made my school a constant scenery. It's like the feeling of oddness if you're not there in a long time. It's a void I'm not addicted yet, but I like it more than to be at home. At least, in school, it's making me feel that it's not my only world as I could go in different places and smile and I don't feel caged or isolated. I just hate it when I have to commute alone, I'm a bit afraid. When I tried, I lost my phone (recently) and the month was a complete bad luck month for me. It's like riding an elevator with the suspicion to the ride not stopping anymore. The ride continues to play safe making you stable at a very young time. More like eating bubble gums, but even though I could feel changes everyday, there are still constant agonies that I couldn't solve because I don't want to do the only solutions.
No worries, I'm just being emotional. I still have some smiles to expose on my face. I feel I need to. Well actually, right now I feel happy writing a new post.
Happy Birthday to me!
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Of course, the title was supposed to be 'Idealism and Logic' according to the script I've made, but it'll be a bit hard to be understood by others so we changed it to a simpler one, 'Holy Bible: Still Noticed?' As you can see, the first idea of a title in our documentary is about philosophy. But I swear I couldn't think of anything because I was already having a hard time writing a factual script.
I was with my groupmates/blockmates Joan, Daphne, Chona and Paulo. At first, we didn't have any ideas on what to do first. We didn't even know what will be the good symbolism for the introduction frame. Finally, the shoot started with a simple introduction with us walking (Pau the cameraman).
We first interviewed a man who, in my point of sense, looks like our Professor in Bible Studies (believe it or not, he wears like my Professor)! The next interview went on with Chona's uncle and a Brother in Church in a VIP room and it was so cozy so we had time to rest with all the walk.
The shoot ended with the idea of taking some frames of the film in an arcade at the mall while some little or big kids are playing. We were taking it as a scene wherein youth, nowadays, don't even have time to be with God and prefer to have fun and do some recreational activities. Instead of going to a Church, they go in an arcade or any kid's world. And instead of us shooting, we had a little fun and decided to play. It was my first time to play, but I'm certain I got addicted to the shooting games. It was a fun day, so I smiled a lot.
After playing, we strolled around (add that to our energy measurement status), and decided to get home. It was very tiring I feel my feet exploding any moment. My energy was dead to a worthy journey.
I wish I could let you see our little documentary but my groupmate Chona said she couldn't download it in her multiply site so maybe whenever I had the time, I'll try to upload it in youtube. By the way, it's going to be a relaxing week because the final examination is near and after that we'll have a 1-week vacation. I still wish time will get fast, I got used to my school and get the weird laidback-stress feeling.
Er, I still have a major writer's block, so this is still rubbish. Anyway, I've tried so hard to write this. It's a somewhat-poetry or what-you-call-composition:
I was walking in a loggia;
the dream filled with delusion.
The days felt silent.
The muffle of harper made my
deliverance lament with weakness that
I felt rejuvenated with violence.
Mercy went on, I hoped
not to enter my soul
I bleed with forgiveness
I can't imagine a summer
flowery fields with snow as
the leaves went on falling.
I tried to leave the scar
but I claimed my hollow
belief I feel my paradise,
doubtful beauty.
In reality.
By the way, I couldn't believe that it's already the end of the term! I couldn't believe I have finished a term without hyper motivation. I still have two final examinations though that I hope I could pass. Oh, it's actually my birthday tomorrow Sunday. God, I'm turning 16 and I think I feel bitter. I'm having idle emotions. Such a confusing drama. Anyway, our Professor took this picture of the block:
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
