Sunday, December 31, 2006
It might be because I move so slow or might be because the things evolving around me aren't moving at all. I feel a bit odd now that some depressing catastrophes changed my perspective. Sometimes I feel like breaking down because of it, but I'm more aware for the good of my consciousness.
Partly, I'm doing good. Reading and thinking has been gradually increasing my wisdom and my life is updating and increasing its own meaning. I wish to learn more, but I wish I know more how to digest some serious wisdom properly so that I won't mess.
So why do people chose to have new year's resolution and begin new life next year?
It is simple to answer that you don't have to wait for New Year, you just have to have the guts and will to do a new life because the earlier you start it, the earlier you'll get better. But true to the echoes of life, the principle is the belief of hurrying without realization.
The real answer is simple. People tend to do new year's resolution and have a new life for it to become a fruitful one. We just have to take it seriously and believe in our capabilities. When we are able to do it, we could really cherish it not only knowing the literal and exact time, but also knowing you are able to change clearly. It would increase our pride. And pride isn't only about vainglory, it is the thing that we hold on, it is the thing we call to have the courage. It is the thing the roots out our principles and be a unique individual. We are entitled to create our own humanity, and if we start with a good start, we are able to see the cleanliness of life without any obstacle. We could see that we are really able to change by perfect timing. When we start in which we know is a new one, we are able to attain it in the easiest way.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Monday, December 25, 2006
Just this lunch, while I was drinking my last glass of water before standing, my stupid sensibility took its place and I've noticed something. With the cold water in it, I placed both my hands to cover the glass and I felt cold. I couldn't overpower the coldness of the water covered by my warm hands. I couldn't defeat it.
Somehow the cold water represents death and the warm hands expresses life. Somehow the cold water represents our inner shadows and the warm hands expresses our happiness that fights the three concepts of destruction.
My hands cannot outstrength the cold water inside the glass because they are one. I don't know how to fill my power in one part of my body and defeat the cold. The darkness is one; loneliness and depression all categorized into one negative force as our happiness can not patch itself and warm the agony. Death is sure to come and is the most successful to deliver fear and the life of a person in denial of anything around is at stake because of human complication, both literal and spiritual.
We are entitled for our own experiences and the outcome can either be a success or a regret. We cannot propose to make a straight path without knowing ourselves first, without knowing death first.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I'm starting to grant myself to the soul of nothingness. Nothing relevant in my life is worth to be cherished. It is either literally nothing is happening and I am idle or it is because I forgot everything on how to be a cherisher.
I noticed I also lack the expression of sincerity. Although I could guarantee your trust in me, I just couldn't express my whole-hearted affirmation or any decision into anything or anyone easily in a true way. My heart is at its stone state whenever I talk of my concerns. I'm afraid it's one of the few feelings I lost when I was at my lowest peak. I still don't know how many, but I believe I've been mentally idle because of my sight.
I wonder if it is still right to protect yourself even if you promise not to protect yourself if the reason of the mess is yourself. I've been starting to think a lot and the cycle of metacognition in my mind is still not complete and I get tangled right in the first levels of thinking. Would you be rejoicing if you know how to protect yourself even if it is all your fault that all the things have been rendered into negative complications of the human principle? Would you dare to vow to protect other people even if you aren't capable of and/or don't even have your whole heart to do so? I know we are to protect those who have touched our souls on our own will and the only question is if if we are able to touch our own soul not to question in everything we do.
I wish I could erase somethings yet knowing it wouldn't improve me and I'll still be bound to complete a music of agony. I'm such a crap.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Fine, I'm currently addicted to BLEACH. It's actually a shonen manga/anime. I have observed that, obviously, it is more focused on the male side of thinking that is why, somehow, my shojo mind flies with disappointment. But I like the dynamics; learning male mind is really hard, just like how men get confused with us, girls. At least, I could observe how egoistic frames are always involved with men. Isn't this picture I saw somewhere I forgot cute? By the way, there aren't any pairings yet, remember, it is a shonen manga/anime.
Thanks to google and to its direct source for the picture!
I've been thinking of buying the tankobon of this, but thinking I have many more in the line, let's just settle it to be a goal someday. It is now officially included in my all-time anime obssession included to Kare Kano (His & Her Circumstances), D.N.Angel and Honey & Clover.
I was actually in the mood of deep thinking that even my mom noticed it. This is the kind of feeling that I don't like when I'm getting attached to a certain thing. I get to feel heavy and feel bad if something will go wrong because of me and/or because of some natural things.
You see all that comprises a human brain in anything it does is covered with fear. In order to erase it, you should not feel afraid that something might go wrong. If you're afraid that something bad is bound to happen, you should never stick fear with it and it must be because you don't want it to happen. And the risk you have to notice is that it could be you who could pursue that and conquer your desires.
I don’t need to get protected, I can protect myself.
Labels: To the Works of Others
Erika Ruiz
Sunday, December 17, 2006
You are assured of their comradeship and have been a constant thing in your life yet they are the obstacle. You are not stupid enough not to consider the real ones whom you can trust from the crap.
Is it that bad to be associated to a person? I know it is good to help a person if he has a problem, but what if the people in your life are the ones who make you incapable of being free? You don't want to put a negative perception yet they are not making you change for the better. It is either you do not change at all and feel idle or change for the worse motion. You can not speak and express your veiws because it would just make matters worse and they will just act like nothing really happened or no one declared a revelation and pride is not incuded in the issue.
Is it this hard to be free when you've been touched by other people whom you've trusted? I think they are to help your being, but sometimes the throw every good thing outwards. Nothing bad is at stake. No karma is to exis. The manner is only about making yourself feel better thatwill also be for the better of nature, but everything is impossible because of their speculations and denials.
Some of them speculate, some of them attack, some of them negate, some of them aim to stab you and some of them are unconsciously getting on your way or is it your nature that could not change a thing? Is it because every people have their own views? Nothing is wrong, one person will have a different right-and-wrong mentality that is sardonically contrary to the others. But you have gained compatibility with some in a way, so why is it they are fighting for idleness? You aren't suppose to feel negative to them, after all, as the cliches quote, they are your only treasures that are priceless.
You aren't contradicting the human behavior of relativity and promoting aloneness, but would you embrace more? You start to avoid reality while some challenges come and bash the right phenomenon, and you're not whole anymore.
Labels: Formal Exposition
Erika Ruiz
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Doesn't it seem weird that I'm getting nervous because I might not get the grade that I've wanted, but I still don't have the guts to get serious?
Doesn't it seem weird that I'm having all the faith in me, but I still don't get what my heart really wanted?
Doesn't it seem weird to think about the danger of excessive thinking even though you're doing it?
Doesn't it seem weird to have a monotonous color of life without suffering?
Doesn't it seem weird that I'm having all the faith in me, but I still don't get what my heart really wanted?
Doesn't it seem weird to think about the danger of excessive thinking even though you're doing it?
Doesn't it seem weird to have a monotonous color of life without suffering?
Doesn't it seem weird to be afraid of everything around you thinking that it would destroy your life?
Doesn't it seem weird to have a passion in what you do, but you feel nothing about it?
Doesn't it seem weird to be a know-it-all even if you know nothing at all?
Doesn't it seem weird to wish for something that is absolutely impossible?
Doesn't it seem weird to aim on something really hard that doesn't even know you exist?
Doesn't it seem weird to be hurt and linger on the past even if you're the one who ruined it?
Doesn't it seem weird to see that you only get a feeling when you see a nightmare?
Doesn't it seem weird to rely on others even if you know you could do it?
Doesn't it seem weird to have an empty life even if you literally change?
Doesn't it seem weird to reason out and get bothered to the things that aren't suppose to bother your being?
Doesn't it seem weird to point out some bad things to others even if you have more than the bad things of what they have?
Doesn't it seem weird to get a sorrowful life because you lack something you aren't really responsible of?
Doesn't it seem weird to be unfortunate at any of the things you tried?
Doesn't it seem weird to be so stupid about the things you love?
Doesn't it seem weird to touch others even if they abandon you?
Doesn't it seem weird to see a sudden colorful rainbow in the shadows?
Doesn't it seem weird to see your hatred getting healed, but stopped because of the reason of it is at its worst?
Doesn't it seem weird not to believe in something that is true?
Doesn't it seem weird to see your agony yet you don't see any progress to your solutions at all?
Doesn't it seem weird to have this kind of life?
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Saturday, December 09, 2006
If only happiness would last
If only solitude wouldn't live
If only scars have no reason
If only dread is a void
If only all right reasons are agreed
If only acceptance could breathe
If only monsters wouldn't live
If only air could be touched
If only I could be seen
If only pain wouldn't exist
If only I could change a thing
I would be nothing.
Labels: The Self to the Art
Erika Ruiz
