Sunday, May 27, 2007
I'm not making any effort now because even I, in those certain moments, am not capable to pushing through to the best me to make progress... more like something's stopping me for a while. I even feel blank and as if I'm an idiot who can't think of anything else to say. I'm like a running balloon... who can't even run in the first place because of the air inside making it slower, which is the feeling of emptiness at the times when I wanted to change my world. What about it that a large part of your being is idle when you want to make an attempt to the victory that you've always wanted to achieve. Like the wind is so heavy and quiet and lame. I wonder if time is doing it on purpose. There are really times and days when I feel so low and I'm the most uninteresting person in the world. Suddenly the other side will appear and I'm currently in that kind of mind frame. Now I'm sounding bitter because I keep on thinking of other ways just to find solutions and good possibilities on every little things that has been done.
I know I still keep on hoping, but I'm neither stepping forward nor backward. I know I must do something to stop this idleness, but the only idea is that I dunno what to do to make a movement. But whatever happens, I'd let it be. I'd just cherish the old good times when everything was so innocent and merry with what all are doing that made me felt happiness those days. How I loved those days so much I was having fun that I really didn't notice I'm blooming. You could still reflect happiness on my face - it's already embedded whatever the outcome is. How it went so good to how it went downwards to end and oblivion. A bittersweet nostalgia. It's almost like it's ended, like what happened when the place I get my desirable needs was suspended that I don't think would be coming back anymore. I don't want to brood over the same words for a long time anymore... and I want to explore and discover more. It's not easy to let go that I feel sad because I'm still thinking about it sometimes whenever I feel that my inner view is unfathomable.
I wonder when people mature they go mismatched and complicated and void. A good time and perfect love of the world at the wrong place. How I wish I could find a way to reach the things I can't reach literally. I want to learn how to adjust so I can make certain things go in their proper places, but I'm so messed up and always preoccupied with dilemmas that aren't really worth the time to bother. There will, maybe, be a time when I reach my aims and I can reach other stuffs until I can sense the other side. Not soon and I might already be an oldie, but when it happens, I'm sure almost everything will go back to its silly little blameless thoughts like all those yesteryears, it's just that maturity is in existentence and is now in control. But being a free as a child like the way before is like real happiness. Then it is When my prayer will be acknowledged for the first time. Now, there, I'm still hoping... but I think I'm near on giving up or near on waiting for the right time because I know I can't really move forward anymore with what's happening at the moment. Then I've been doing lots of things lately and I've been preoccupied with other stuffs unrelated to this side, especially this sort of a new thing that had made my heart feel so fine more than one time, but it's good I'm still not into hoping it'll last and develop yet. I shouldn't rummage around for something that's suppose to be a surprise for the spice.
I want to trust the words that when something goes, something better appears. Three options I need to consider where all are motivated by hoping: move forward, give up or the most painful one - waiting. Keep it, throw it, or go with it. I'm a weak person outside, I just dunno if I'm a strong person inside, but I think now it's showing that I'm not. That's a total of a weak human being. I already have seen a pessimistic foreboding just because a good one is so easy to appear in thought... in which it rarely happens in reality. I'd learn to touch the sunshine kisses with this and at the moment, I clearly, deeply, seriously miss it and I don't want to be with the time when I don't miss it anymore... when the time that I'll feel tired of magnifying it with constancy.
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Three days passed and I kept on orienting and lecturing students, mainly froshies, to have a knack about the school they are in. I'm not saying I'm a devoted and loyal student to my school, but I like my school. It's really good. The Frosh Orientation program was very tiring, then the next day I have to work my best for a good last working day as a student assistant. I was very tired, I mean it.
I oriented transferees during my first day. They were really fun and to some of them, I get to be really close even if I was just able to be with them for a day. This was my very first time to orient... and transferees are known to have already extablished an ego of being a college student and is suppose to sound hard (I was actually getting nervous when I was assigned to the transferees rooms), but no, it was actually the best of the rest. I get to enjoy all of the orienting flow, even the tour.
I oriented a multimedia arts block the second day. They're quieter than the transferees though, obviously. But I get to be attached once again and I even promised that I'll visit their block whenever I have the time and whenever I'm near their place/room. The funny part is that one of them is acting sick because he wanted to leave. The end of the story - after we were done talking for about half-an-hour to keep on persuading each other - is that he went back to the room where we are orienting. He's not serious into acting to get out though, he's just really good fun, actually. I love you all, DV4 students!
I oriented consular and diplomatic affairs, my course, block L1W (I was L1X last year) the last day. It was okay since we did more games than the usual, but it wasn't that fun compared to the first two days. The only good thing I can tell is that the food and snacks were way better than the past orienting days. This last day ended fast, actually. Almost all of the froshies are older than me yet some of them said I sound old because of how I speak and they're childish. Indeed, they are... or I'm just too mature? But they were the once who kept in touch and ask questions. I just dunno if I'll visit them or not, but I'll try since the block and I have the same course, anyway.
Although, as I've said, it was tiring, I get to enjoy it at the same time. I gained new enjoyable experiences, meet new people and know them deeper... just like what I was really searching. It was like I was breathing a new good air and I want to oblivi-ate myself.
I hate it when I find some people stupid. As in so stupid near to being an idiot. Like they have no idea what the hell are this and that things... either in terms of being a life coach or in technical/academic stuffs. I give my considerations that it might be due to lack of experience, refusal to undestand because of some moments that aren't delightful, overconfident enough to deny knowledge from other people or just by being a plain innocent twerp. Maybe when someone so bright talks to me will take me as an idiot because I think I'm being arrogant now. And being arrogant is one of the few reasons why people never learn and evolve.
Labels: Everyday Blabs
Erika Ruiz
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I was waiting for the other side with my sister and did came back with lots of memories and showed me three pictures. One is a picture of the maturing being close to becoming wearing helmets (two beings smiling), one is my birth certificate (which seems very old at that picture because it is brownish and aged already) pictured side ways, and the other one I could not remember. But I swear to God there were three. I just don't know if that unknown picture is from me that I gave to the other side since I let the other side keep it for me because I just want to. The other side told me that it's time to give me the memory while it was in its journey (it only gave me one though) and the birth certificate was to show that it was also seeking for me that it even found my old paper of birth (I don't know if I'm already capable of controlling my dream at this time). I looked at the background and thought it was a really familiar place. I really can't remember the third one, either I gave it to the other side or it's just another picture the other side gave which is unknown, but I'm not sure that I gave the other side a picture. Then, in this Hispanic house I told you earlier, we were crawling up at the stairs (weird because we can stand and use our legs to go up, but no, we were using our knees and sort of crawling slowly to get up) and that was the time the other side gave me the memories, the pictures, and where I told it to keep it for me. We went to this room where I went to have an interview with myself and peeped on the window where at that side was a little garden (the garden was real and it is really around the hispanic house my late grandparents own) and on that garden was two large sophisticated blankets my aunt owns: one with color salmon and one with green. Then suddenly I've thought of getting the salmon one and covering it to me as my sister ran towards me (we were having fun) then I went off of the garden and left her. The other side was nowhere to be found and even everything and I woke up.
God, why are you doing this to me? Is this dream just a sign that this is what I wanted, but never happened at all? Is this dream a sign that something good is bound to happen? Is this dream a sign that the other side wants to be with me too, but just not showing it? Is this dream that they so-called dream of two spirits? Is this just a product of my subconscious mind disagreeing with my resolve? Is this dream a sign of ever after? I want to be optimistic, but I kept of arriving with lots of ideals that won't do any good to me. It is true that when you think too much, you won't achieve human forces to the fullest that neutral energy will just flow and that you can't absorb anything, even the negative ones. This makes me exhausted.
Are those pictures the past, present and future of the journey to my life? But I remember I watched The House of D that day so it might be just associated to it since it's a bit related to the film. But I really have a strong feeling that it meant more than that... or so I just want it to be. Oh my God, please let me hope once more. I almost gave up, but it seems my subconscious mind doesn't want to still - I ended up dreaming about it. I'm still confused if I still want something to happen. Now I think I must do more effort and continue this. I've always wanted the scenery of this park to my journey, anyway, and we'll never know, it might come with me and be whole. I don't want to think this is the wrong park that I chose that I've always dreamt of. I want the other side to look at me and really see my heart, but that's just impossible at this time.
Now that I've made a resolution, why is it that the other side is confusing me? Going away, going back, going distant, going so near... or is it just me wanting to be confused because I'm still hoping that everything that other side does might mean something for the sake of founding a good oneness.
Just this one time, I was so happy that everything's cool and good. But everytime I turn to face reality and be with it at the moment, I get so blank and low like a rhino wanting to be a worm. Why? Even touch is impossible. I don't blame the obstables, I'm not blaming anything - not even my weak self - because nothing's wrong. I know to myself that I would want to dream about those wonderful dreams and bring it through reality someday. But it would hurt so much if everything would just linger in my dreams... where everything is possible and in control of my subconscious mind with the heavens. I'll just let the divine providence take the wheel to let everything be alright, I guess. Goddamnit, I just want to feel brilliant.
Labels: The Self to the Art
Erika Ruiz
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Sometimes my frame of mind sways a lot. Sometimes I'm open, loving, just happy, serene, understanding, kidding around, even bored, not contented and sometimes I'm annoyed and ruthless. I don't know how to express myself and how a different strong thinking interprets it, but I want to express myself. I am presenting my very own endeavors. It's not that I could not go on, but this is what I am seeking right now and I want to improve it if only I don't have the limits that are never boundaries in their initial posts. I am not blaming this, but I want something, for fate's sake, to create a good conception in the making, in which when it started in the next phase, everything will be handled by self-stands and make good to perfect in own perceptions. I want knowing the things that I adore know me. One time when they can never define me, that is the time everything's deep and translucent.
I like it when everything goes mature and saying that everything about our own juvenile points are still in existence and in direction of the evolving one. In preservation to the good old times where everything started and will always be long-lasting. I'm still hoping that one day I would be able to use my ideals to where they really belong of why I've thought of it in the first place. And then everything will grow and be established up to creating a little cabin where peace and simplicity remains while the cicadas sing with a wonderful melody among the blissful everything. I'm still the most fruitful and everything is a happy ever after. Where I can only see sunsets a day has already ended. Like nothing will fade, nothing will die, like I'm moving forward and forward.
I'm scared to know the next phase of this little park I'm walking to while journeying to see the light. It is not very clear. I don't know what is really happening, but I want this commons to come with me to the infinity. All I know is that sometimes I like what's happening, sometimes I don't. That reality is sometimes bitter, sometimes lucky. I don't want to be a being in distress always waiting to be saved, but a person to help a hero nurture.
Before it shines, let me first have a wishful thinking to have a better covering to crawl out and feel more compassion in my very presence.
Maybe it's just a strong appeal to the things I haven't seen related to the things I always wanted to see just like everybody else because we are meek. I just want to believe I'm different. I'm not even valid to qualify as a prize from the heavens.A season has already ended and I'm still into wishing to reality for a lot like love.
Still No The End
I went to a place called loggia
Indifference came into view and I touched it
Everything was merry and unbalanced
But I felt emptiness until a light stroke my way
I didn't anticipate for any notion
Then I was happy not all are dark and void
I didn't know what I saw in the light
I didn't know what makes me like it more
I felt so stable and secured
The flicker is not the thing I wished for my own sake
But the power broke my lonesome post
Like almost welcomed me to such warm heart
Found a new better place and kept me warm
I'm still in doubt and confused
I kept myself hidden for my faults
The gleam stopped a second and appeared again
I felt serenity and pleased once more I grow
If everything could ever be this real forever
If everything is just a dream
And I'll wake up wishing for the absurd
Everything is still unclear
Everything is still in the middle...
Labels: The Self to the Art
Erika Ruiz
Monday, May 07, 2007
I believe emo originated from over emotionally exaggerated music. Music with narrative lyrics about unrequited love, depression, declaring hate and no-care to the world, and, of course, involves cutting your wrists all in a sick wavy tune. Now it went beyond music and started to be a little subculture complete with ethics, appearance and the groups of people in different parts of this breathable ground that makes it possible. Usual emo style would be long hair with bangs for guys, wearing make-up, black & white stuffs and even holding a guitar in a manner as if it is going to be destroyed (since they might find reverence to the beginning of the word they now call themselves). They are the drama kings/queens, the best at this category. Drama that involved morbidity isn't cool though. It is not a way of detachment and simplicity. It is a failure to value and refusal to comprehend.
What is improper is lack of respect. Common people hate emos, emos hate the world. If emos are viewed as wrong, then common people are also wrong. Considerations are lost and replaced with strong-willed insensitive principle until it gets constant and unchangeable. If we really want to create change, we must create the change for each other, not only for ourselves. Changing for ourselves doesn't even involve the better lands we really desire and it shields ourselves to growing. It is good to create subcultures that other people can relate to, just make sure that we have a knack aboout the world's permanent limitations and acceptance in a way you can also trully tolarate yourself in action. Now that it has been created and now in practice, the only solution is understanding. Know about it and you'll know what to do.
A friend told me he once had an emo classmate that plays tic-tac-toe using blade. Instead of using pen and paper, use blade and bare skin of your wrist. Create a little chart and start putting Xs and Os. In an instant, the emo boy created tic-tac-toe: emo style. ROFLMAOZOMGWTFBBQ! When I heard it I want to cry, run to a dark room with pills on my hands and cut myself using a pencil - I kid.
Labels: Novelty and Humor
Erika Ruiz
Sunday, May 06, 2007
We all have this some times in a day although we don't do it verbally, but only within our minds. I want to try and talk to myself, listen to the good, neutral and bad side of me. [By the way, I don't know the whole me. I can not even define myself in one word.] Combine the three so that I will have the response that I can not answer.
Why is it that some of my strongest aims aren't happening?
Because even you think it's impossible.
I want to try and isolate myself from the social aspect, but I really feel depressed and lonely.
Because the social aspect is one of the basic aspect in life. Without it, you'll be a forever idiot. Isolating yourself would even make you not understandable and I know you hate the inability to fruition. If you still want, just don't articulate with selected others.
Why is it that I'm missing something that I really don't want to miss at all?
Because that something might have touched your heart. You are contradicting yourself yet again. In your heart, your refusal to miss it is invalid. Mind is not included in this case. Just let it slip through you, time will give you the sense to stop without you even noticing it.
Why is it that I want some love? [This is not about having a partner, it is about the love for the world.]
Because you've found love yet you are unsure and uneasy since the things that connected you to your love is uncommon. Tacit knowledge and how you really feel is not felt.
Do you know how can I make my life fun?
For the kicks, smile... and for a happier life, try other things and go out in which you still know your limitations.
But I'm afraid. As if I don't want to do this.
Then try new things your interest has, but remember being afraid is like not going out of your own hole.
I think I like something I shouldn't like.
With this, that's why you aspire and dream for what you call ridicule. Stop expectations and just go with the flow until you clarify yourself. There is no such thing as you shouldn't like. Take things seriously and smoothly. This moment might just have a strong appeal to you so you shouldn't jump ahead of things even if you still haven't experienced it critically. Stop listening to mellow and repeating few songs over and over again as it makes you sicker. Stick to hard metal rock for a while.
Why is it that I can't do some things I really want to do?
Accept the reality and do it when you have the time and the strength. The big thing you should do is talk. Do not post your standards with the way you stand. Post it with the way you know reality.
I'm losing my interest in humanity and I kept on repeating myself now. What should I do?
Lift yourself, read and reflect. Do not think too much of the stuffs that aren't worth your time. Be confident and stop humility when it is not needed for God's sake.
I want to enhance my verbal expression, which is weak, but I couldn't find the right people to speak with.
Do not choose. People come by and be even happy that they want to speak with you. If you are flexible and considerate, you will know how to adjust at different types of people with different way of perception and that is also what you are trying to enhance. Verbal expression with concern and knowledge. Do not take pride and arrogance in self-progress journey. You only think they are weak since you are overconfident of your way of thinking. I require you to stop being like that and appreciate each and everyone's intelligence.
About me, about you, about us.
This would really work as one of your yearnings. Save it. You have said enough last time and it is really good. But promise you won't just abandon it if something didn't happen the way you always wanted it to be at the moment. Nothing is impossible, just have faith at your aptitudes. I have a strong conviction everything's going to be well and perfect in color, but not now. Not even sooner. We need to patch things up before we journey to this and I'm sure it will be a good ever after.
Feels great talking to my filthy brown monster doll. Not.
By the way, the picture was taken in a Hispanic house my late grandparents own. A very old house 24 or more years in existence and still in preservation from the old civilization. Home!
Labels: Facing Inner Views
Erika Ruiz