The Departed Salmon Bartenders in Spat

Everything is falling apart. Everything in my world, in my soul and in my heart is falling away from what I wanted it to be. Is it true you can lose one game in your life? I don't think this is the game that I am bound to be the most loser yet I feel really sad and down... and this is not the subject I am going to be beaten up in my belief.



I'm not making any effort now because even I, in those certain moments, am not capable to pushing through to the best me to make progress... more like something's stopping me for a while. I even feel blank and as if I'm an idiot who can't think of anything else to say. I'm like a running balloon... who can't even run in the first place because of the air inside making it slower, which is the feeling of emptiness at the times when I wanted to change my world. What about it that a large part of your being is idle when you want to make an attempt to the victory that you've always wanted to achieve. Like the wind is so heavy and quiet and lame. I wonder if time is doing it on purpose. There are really times and days when I feel so low and I'm the most uninteresting person in the world. Suddenly the other side will appear and I'm currently in that kind of mind frame. Now I'm sounding bitter because I keep on thinking of other ways just to find solutions and good possibilities on every little things that has been done.

I know I still keep on hoping, but I'm neither stepping forward nor backward. I know I must do something to stop this idleness, but the only idea is that I dunno what to do to make a movement. But whatever happens, I'd let it be. I'd just cherish the old good times when everything was so innocent and merry with what all are doing that made me felt happiness those days. How I loved those days so much I was having fun that I really didn't notice I'm blooming. You could still reflect happiness on my face - it's already embedded whatever the outcome is. How it went so good to how it went downwards to end and oblivion. A bittersweet nostalgia. It's almost like it's ended, like what happened when the place I get my desirable needs was suspended that I don't think would be coming back anymore. I don't want to brood over the same words for a long time anymore... and I want to explore and discover more. It's not easy to let go that I feel sad because I'm still thinking about it sometimes whenever I feel that my inner view is unfathomable.

I wonder when people mature they go mismatched and complicated and void. A good time and perfect love of the world at the wrong place. How I wish I could find a way to reach the things I can't reach literally. I want to learn how to adjust so I can make certain things go in their proper places, but I'm so messed up and always preoccupied with dilemmas that aren't really worth the time to bother. There will, maybe, be a time when I reach my aims and I can reach other stuffs until I can sense the other side. Not soon and I might already be an oldie, but when it happens, I'm sure almost everything will go back to its silly little blameless thoughts like all those yesteryears, it's just that maturity is in existentence and is now in control. But being a free as a child like the way before is like real happiness. Then it is When my prayer will be acknowledged for the first time. Now, there, I'm still hoping... but I think I'm near on giving up or near on waiting for the right time because I know I can't really move forward anymore with what's happening at the moment. Then I've been doing lots of things lately and I've been preoccupied with other stuffs unrelated to this side, especially this sort of a new thing that had made my heart feel so fine more than one time, but it's good I'm still not into hoping it'll last and develop yet. I shouldn't rummage around for something that's suppose to be a surprise for the spice.

I want to trust the words that when something goes, something better appears. Three options I need to consider where all are motivated by hoping: move forward, give up or the most painful one - waiting. Keep it, throw it, or go with it. I'm a weak person outside, I just dunno if I'm a strong person inside, but I think now it's showing that I'm not. That's a total of a weak human being. I already have seen a pessimistic foreboding just because a good one is so easy to appear in thought... in which it rarely happens in reality. I'd learn to touch the sunshine kisses with this and at the moment, I clearly, deeply, seriously miss it and I don't want to be with the time when I don't miss it anymore... when the time that I'll feel tired of magnifying it with constancy.