Why?

Everything I liked continues to fall apart. I think it is either I put too much effort on it or I heap my pride and don't push through at all because I don't want to be the only one who wants change - that I want the other side to progress and move too. It sucks to know that you are the only one who wants diversity to feel better. I tried to forget it since I think it will never grow if the other side matures without needing me and without recognizing me as part of it as everything goes so distant and cold. I had the strong faith to forget it the next day. But that night, I've dreamt of a wonderful dream... a good dream contradicting the reality that is painful.



I was waiting for the other side with my sister and did came back with lots of memories and showed me three pictures. One is a picture of the maturing being close to becoming wearing helmets (two beings smiling), one is my birth certificate (which seems very old at that picture because it is brownish and aged already) pictured side ways, and the other one I could not remember. But I swear to God there were three. I just don't know if that unknown picture is from me that I gave to the other side since I let the other side keep it for me because I just want to. The other side told me that it's time to give me the memory while it was in its journey (it only gave me one though) and the birth certificate was to show that it was also seeking for me that it even found my old paper of birth (I don't know if I'm already capable of controlling my dream at this time). I looked at the background and thought it was a really familiar place. I really can't remember the third one, either I gave it to the other side or it's just another picture the other side gave which is unknown, but I'm not sure that I gave the other side a picture. Then, in this Hispanic house I told you earlier, we were crawling up at the stairs (weird because we can stand and use our legs to go up, but no, we were using our knees and sort of crawling slowly to get up) and that was the time the other side gave me the memories, the pictures, and where I told it to keep it for me. We went to this room where I went to have an interview with myself and peeped on the window where at that side was a little garden (the garden was real and it is really around the hispanic house my late grandparents own) and on that garden was two large sophisticated blankets my aunt owns: one with color salmon and one with green. Then suddenly I've thought of getting the salmon one and covering it to me as my sister ran towards me (we were having fun) then I went off of the garden and left her. The other side was nowhere to be found and even everything and I woke up.

God, why are you doing this to me? Is this dream just a sign that this is what I wanted, but never happened at all? Is this dream a sign that something good is bound to happen? Is this dream a sign that the other side wants to be with me too, but just not showing it? Is this dream that they so-called dream of two spirits? Is this just a product of my subconscious mind disagreeing with my resolve? Is this dream a sign of ever after? I want to be optimistic, but I kept of arriving with lots of ideals that won't do any good to me. It is true that when you think too much, you won't achieve human forces to the fullest that neutral energy will just flow and that you can't absorb anything, even the negative ones. This makes me exhausted.

Are those pictures the past, present and future of the journey to my life? But I remember I watched The House of D that day so it might be just associated to it since it's a bit related to the film. But I really have a strong feeling that it meant more than that... or so I just want it to be. Oh my God, please let me hope once more. I almost gave up, but it seems my subconscious mind doesn't want to still - I ended up dreaming about it. I'm still confused if I still want something to happen. Now I think I must do more effort and continue this. I've always wanted the scenery of this park to my journey, anyway, and we'll never know, it might come with me and be whole. I don't want to think this is the wrong park that I chose that I've always dreamt of. I want the other side to look at me and really see my heart, but that's just impossible at this time.

Now that I've made a resolution, why is it that the other side is confusing me? Going away, going back, going distant, going so near... or is it just me wanting to be confused because I'm still hoping that everything that other side does might mean something for the sake of founding a good oneness.

Just this one time, I was so happy that everything's cool and good. But everytime I turn to face reality and be with it at the moment, I get so blank and low like a rhino wanting to be a worm. Why? Even touch is impossible. I don't blame the obstables, I'm not blaming anything - not even my weak self - because nothing's wrong. I know to myself that I would want to dream about those wonderful dreams and bring it through reality someday. But it would hurt so much if everything would just linger in my dreams... where everything is possible and in control of my subconscious mind with the heavens. I'll just let the divine providence take the wheel to let everything be alright, I guess. Goddamnit, I just want to feel brilliant.