The Monster

I feel like crying because I know I have so many things to say yet I'm too weak to express it. I do know when I burst it all out of me something blissful or dreadful might happen. I have no idea what is the good one or what is the bad one, to walk away with happiness or face it to death. A void full of agony inside.

'If you know you're nonsense, go away.' I wanted to throw the negative feeling all the way. I don't want to protest in respect yet the monster makes itself worse and worse and I'm not talking about my shadow; I'm talking about the monster. How will I learn to relent? Forgiveness is accepted slowly if you've been stabbed deeper over your heart, but, day by day, the monster evolves. So how am I suppose to know on how to see a positive perspective on that? Bullshit.

In my mind, sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person I've ever seen, not having the strength to mature and find an answer. I feel like a troll, overall useless and heartless. I don't want my present. Why do I have to have this kind of burden? Would I prefer to live in hell than have this being? I guess I would assert with this deal. I think I inhibited a place wherein my sensibility feels more than hell after all. I still want to evolve so I'm still not insane to end my perceptions, but I want to move, I just can't, I need more motivation, and it's because I'm afraid of the outcome. Well, I'm not really that much afraid of the effect, I'm more afraid of what and how fate will possibly end the bind.

I might release my openness when the right feeling of power comes. I don't know, maybe tomorrow, next week, or next year. The thing, the scenery itself, is unimaginable. I don't know what the solution will be and that make is unpredictably dangerous. It's not actually a about taking risks, it's about the motivation to step on the next fireplace. I don't know how to react on that; I'm still undecided.

I don't know where the hell would I be able to hold on. I am still claiming my beliefs. I know how to trust, but I can't carry the stone anymore, it's making me feel even more stupid and unmoving. It's taking me to my death, a slow and painful one.

So tell me, how would I untangle myself from this? Should I wish to kill my consciousness in a silent riot? How am I suppose to feel happiness and freedom? I know the answer is in me. Yet, I believe, no matter that happens the wound will never be a scar. Either for my soul or for my experience. I'm still hoping for it to end.